January 25 2019

Buying Imported Flowers Will Send You Straight to Forking Hell!

Finally! Definitive proof that buying imported flowers is the worst thing in the world. LoCoFlo has known this for years (ICYMI, we only use locally grown flowers), but Michael has it all laid out.

In episode 10 of season 3 titled "The Book of Dougs" (mild spoilers ahead), Tahani, who is trying to get into the good place, laments: "There are so many unintended consequences of well-intentioned actions, it feels like a game you can't win."

(Some background if you haven't seen The Good Place: It is an awesome tv show about the afterlife. A point system of humans' actions throughout their lives determine if they are worthy of spending eternity in the good place.)

Michael realizes Tahani is on to something. He pulls out the Book of Dougs, containing the point tally for people named Doug throughout human history. He finds a Doug from several hundred years ago and, with a flick of his wrist, displays an image of the file in the air (Michael is not human):

“In 1534, Douglass Wynegarr of Hawkhurst, England, gave his grandmother roses for her birthday. He picked them himself, walked them over to her, she was happy — boom, 135 points,”

Michael then flips forward to a Doug just a few years ago in our own backyard:

“In 2009, Doug Ewing of Scaggsville, Maryland, also gave his grandmother a dozen roses, but he lost four points. Why? Because he ordered roses using a cell phone that was made in a sweatshop. The flowers were grown with toxic pesticides, picked by exploited migrant workers, delivered from thousands of miles away — which created a massive carbon footprint — and his money went to a billionaire racist CEO who sends his female employees pictures of his genitals."

What the fork? Doug Ewing could possibly avoid eternal damnation by simply choosing local flowers. Is it completely his fault? How could he know all of the repercussions? Micheal proves Tahani's premise. He realizes "everyday the world gets a little more complicated and being a good person gets a little harder."

Ugh! Just keep it simple - join us in the good place with local flowers.

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